I See Angels and Devils and God

One of my friends posted, and titled it "I Want". I figured I would do the same thing.

I Want ...

To get out of here

To be able to solve her problems

People to explain themselves

You to tell the truth

To go somewhere and never have to look back

Never to regret saying something ever again

Never to regret not saying something ever again

To not think for a whole day

Somebody to stay forever

Everyone to stop changing

To remember what things used to be

To start over

It to be warm enough to walk barefoot in the grass

To remember all the things you said

Sugarloaf to be closer

To be able to forgive and forget

To feel like I'm flying

You to know the truth

My iPod to play all day long

To know nothing of the future, nor of the past

It to be summer

Worry to be a thing of the past

To watch sad movies with my friends

The leaves to change color

Beautiful sunsets to watch

To lay in the road and look at the sky

To know the gap between yes and no

Everyone to understand the shades of grey

To admit everything.


I Want ...

Simplicity.

I don't know what I want. I want alot of things, and I want nothing at all.

"Time takes it all whether you want it to or not, time takes it all. Time bares it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkenss, and sometimes we lose them there again."
~ Stephen King

Why want? All it does is make what we already have virtually worthless.

The Quiet Scares Me 'Cause It Screams The Truth

So states were Monday and Tuesday at Sunday River. They were pretty cool. We kicked ass considering we've never done states before. But man, Sumday Bigger = The biggest waste of money combined with the dumbest trail configuration I have ever seen. Basically, if you want to spend a while waiting in line with a bunch of rude people to get on a chairlift, Sunday River is the place to be. If you enjoy "chondola" type lifts that are completely unnecessary based on the fact that the trail is sunny and completely sheltered from the wind and that clearly cost millions of dollars to purchase and install, pack up your car and head to Sunday River. Then, if you really enjoy horseshoe shaped flat trails that you have to skate across but in the end you have basically gone nowhere, Sunday River is your kind of mountain. I don't know about other people, but in the sport of skiing, gravity is your friend. You follow gravity when you ski. It makes it much more fun. Sugarloaf follows gravity, hell, even Scrawny Peak follows gravity. But now Sunday River. Sunday River is too cool to follow gravity ... more like Sunday River is too lame to follow gravity. Whatever, that's their problem.

So I've noticed lately that I love watching sad movies. I think I prefer to watch a movie that makes me cry, that makes me think, that makes me take a look at what I have and what I want. There's something about that scene in the movie, the one that gets you thinking to yourself how familiar that is, and realizing that you are never far enough away from the bottom to trip and fall back down. I feel like, in general as people, we seem to think that because we worked hard for something or because we sacrificed alot for what we have that we are invincible. This is never the case.

I really feel like the thing that we all need to learn is that unless we are willing to admit each and every one of our flaws, every single mistake that we've made, every wrong thing that we have let slip out, and each instance that we wish we could take back, we will never be too far to hit the bottom again. I've never met someone like that, but I really hope to meet someone like that someday. Those qualities, those traits, that's real courage. That's an angel in the flesh. That is someone that was at the bottom, that is someone who realized that there is so much more to life than what other people say and what other people think, and that is someone who will never again throw away anything that they have worked for. Someone like that, they know the true value of life and hard work. That's something to admire, something to strive for.

"Maybe redemption has stories to tell, Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell."
~Switchfoot

How do you get away from what you have made yourself? Once you hit the floor, how do you step away and get yourself back up?

I Miss the Years That Were Erased

Shawnee Peak is an idiot magnet. And I really like Rob Thomas.

"Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something."
~Henry David Thoreau

Is it better to spend your eternity in heaven or hell? Then again, regardless of where you want to spend it, you have to earn it. Which placement would you rather your life be rewarded with?

Defense is Paper Thin

So I saw this courtesy of one of my friends the other day, and I really liked it. It truly meant something to me. Because of this, it doesn't really matter to me if it means something to you; the fact that I can read it and actually take a real message from it is enough. I really hope that other people can find something meaningful in it too. If you don't, try reading it again. Maybe you'll learn something, then again maybe you won't. Who knows. All I know is that it's worth a shot.

If I Had My Life to Live Over

I'd dare to make more mistakes next time.
I'd relax, I would limber up.
I would be sillier than I have been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously.
I would take more chances.

I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers.
I would eat more ice cream and less beans.
I would perhaps have more actual troubles,
but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I'm one of those people who lives
ensibly and sanely hour after hour,
day after day.

Oh, I've had my moments,
And if I had it to do over again,
I'd have more of them.
In fact, I'd try to have nothing else.
Just moments, one after another,
instead of living so many years ahead of each day.

I've been one of those people who never goes anywhere
without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat
and a parachute.
If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over,
I would start barefoot earlier in the springand stay that way later in the fall.
I would go to more dances.
I would ride more merry-go-rounds.
I would pick more daisies.

Nadine Stair,
85 years old.

So this is completely unrelated, but I've recently decided that it takes a real man to show his emotions. Courage is not holding it inside, courage is being brave enough to not care what other people think. Courage is letting it all out. Courage is admitting your flaws and then cleaning them up. Courage is what real people have. Being a coward is what fake people have; and it's worthless.

Why have feelings if not to share them with others?

"A man who is a master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, to dominate them."
~Oscar Wilde

Cut to mirror your intentions.

Who, if anyone, has the right to judge someone else? And then, on top of that, why do they have this divine power? Who put them above everyone else?

No one has the right, nor the ability, to go through their day judging other people. There is no way that you can adequately sum up another human being unless you have physical and emotionally lived their life. You don't feel the emotions that they feel. You don't cry their tears, you don't share their laughter, you don't experience their joy, and you certainly don't feel their pain. So then, why would you ever consider yourself in a place to judge them?

Yet, we still do this. We still walk through life constantly judging other people. Sometimes these judgements come from a single action, sometimes from a long list of things, and sometimes from nothing at all.

Although it may seem like a harmless act, it is not. Everyday people go through their lives feeling things that they never wanted to feel, hurting like they never dreamed they would. And as they struggle through this, someone else steps in and pretends like they know what's happening. It may seem harmless, even sometimes helpful, to see someone and assume that they are in need to a friend or that they need to be left alone and given space ... but it isn't. People hurt the most when they need something, and as soon as you judge them you shut down the possibility to give it to them.

When you judge someone, you take on a certain attitude about them, and this is something that becomes permanent. In doing this, you lock them out of your life and your heart, thus pushing them away from yet another source of comfort, or maybe even a source of healing. In doing this to someone, you hurt them temporarily, but you hurt yourself forever. This lifestyle is not one to blend in and conform to, it's one to avoid at all costs. Judgements are based on actions, but never do they come from intentions. The goldest heart has the potential to be masked by the darkest of actions. If you allow your vision to be blocked by these actions, you will never be able to see the good in anyone else, let alone in yourself.

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
~Mother Teresa

Can you judge the lifestyle of others simply because yours is commonly brought into the grasps of moral judgement?

Hope dangles on a string, Like slow spinning redemption.

I spent the weekend at Sugarloaf, which is hands down my favorite place to be. It's so incredible up there. It's basically a separate world, one without the day to day problems, and the built up emotions. One where you can just let go and be who you are, be who you want to be. You get in the car, drive for three hours, and arrive in this place where everyone is trying to be the best person that they can be, and no one remembers what dumb fight they were having at home.

There are some days, when it's snowing, that it feels like you're in the most beautiful snow globe on the planet. As you stand on the mountain and look down into Carrabassett Valley, you see nothing beyond this incredible wall of snow on all sides of you. You see the mountain, the trails, the people, and that's it. The coolest feeling is knowing that everything you're seeing is pure. The snow is beautiful as endless amounts of it fall from the sky. The people are incredible as they leave their troubles behind and strive to be a better person, if only for a while.

That's what I love about these places. Everyone has a place that means so much more than any other place to them. It's that feeling of relief that you get when you arrive. It's the peace that comes over you. There's nothing to it. No strings attached no commitment. There's just that feeling of knowing that whatever time, whatever day, whatever weather, whatever people are around, that place is always there for you. And each and every visit is as special as the last.

As you do whatever it is that you do at your special place, you can feel whatever emotions it is that you need to feel, and there is no one there to judge you. As I fly down the mountain on my skis, I can laugh about something that happened, I can talk to myself about how to fix a problem, I can figure out why something never happened, I can cry about the loss of a loved one. It's these things that really matter. It's this ability to be who you are and say what you feel that makes something like this so special. Without this unjudged, unbiased environment, no place would hold such a sacred place in anyone's heart. It is because of the unbiased lens of nature and all of her creations that we are able to feel so good about whatever we happen to be going through. The neverending judgement of our day to day lives orients us to feeling like we are no at good as we could be, as we should be. This place, this heaven, does not include any of that.

I am so grateful to have found such a place. Some people never find a place like this, a place that they can call home. Home doesn't have to be where you live, it doesn't have to be where your family is, nor does it need to be where you were raised. Home is deeper than that. Home is where you feel safe, where you are comfortable being you, where you never feel a need to be anything other than what you truly are.

It's an incredible feeling, to have some place to actually call home and to mean it. You're there, and you feel and see things you haven't felt in a while. You feel the emotions run out, the laughs resurface, the tears come and then go. You see the stars, as pure and as gorgeous as they get, and you know that those shining spots in the midnight blackness are your lost loved ones looking down on you and smiling because they know that you are happy. You see nature and people as they are meant to be and not as society forces them to be. Most importantly though, you see yourself as all that you want to be, all that you can be ... and you can finally accept it.

These places, these personalized safe havens, are gifts from God. They do not come as angels, nor do they surprise you with the strength of a miracle. Instead they wait, patiently, until you need them. And when that day comes, they are there, as pure and as incredible as they once were.

"Sometimes the best way to figure out who you are is to get to that place where you don't have to be anything else."
~Anonymous

In a life that harbors so many regrets as that of a human, one can live purely if and only if they allow themselves to first be vulnerable, and then be a shoulder to someone else. So then, could it be said that the only way to truly find yourself is to first let yourself be lost?

Love Remembers

We, as people, make our way through each and every day. These days that our lives consist of are made up of millions of small moments and happenings that shape us into who we are, who we want to be, and show us who we don't want to be. Some of the smaller things go unnoticed at the time, but love remembers. It doesn't matter what kind of love it is, self love, love for your friends, love for another ... it makes no difference; it remembers.

You can try and try to forget something that happened, but love will always remember. This is one of the most horrifically beautiful parts of love. Each and every occurrence in your life that is centered around love will stay with you forever. Maybe it's the look on his face as the fight ends and he walks the other way. Maybe it's the sparkle in his eye when he brushes your arm and says hello. Maybe it's the way his hands move when he holds her. It doesn't matter, good or bad, cherished or regretted, love still remembers.

So maybe that's why the little things matter so much. Maybe that's why it's possible for life to be made up of all these insignificant things. Because if love didn't remember, then where would we be? Who, if not love, would remember all of these little things, and who, if not love, would shape us into what we desire to be? We would have nothing, we would be nothing, if love didn't remember.

Maybe that's why. Maybe that's the reason it's all worth it. And just maybe, if you're lucky, the way those words play over and over in your head, the way you hear each and every instance again and again, is all worth it because of the deeper sense of love and belonging that it comes from.

Love remembers, and that makes alot of the small things in life worth it, but at the same time it also makes alot of things hurt again and again. It will always remember the way his eyes sparkle and the way his touch feels. It will always remember how great it felt to be with him, to be entangled, to be together. Love will always remember the feel of his fingertips, or the way the air tasted fresher when you were with him. All of the greatness that was ever experienced will always be there with you. But at the same time, love also remembers the things that you'd rather it didn't. It remembers the way he walked away as he left, it remembers how the tears felt as they just kept coming down, it remembers the taste of the bottle that you thought your salvation may have been hiding in. It also doesn't forget the void of silence when he didn't call, nor does it let the sound of his laugh escape your brain.

This remembrance forces many different emotions onto us. It reminds us what it was like to have this feeling of utter acceptance and sheer happiness, but at the same time it limits our abilities to find it again. It is this inability to forget that makes it so that no matter how hard you close your eyes, the visions don't go away. They're permanently there. Those times that you close your eyes but get no rest or relief, that's because love remembers. Those other times that you lie in the arms of the one you love and feel completely at peace, like you never again want to move, that's because love remembers.

Memories, those that we cherish along with those that we regret, shape every single aspect of us. They change every ability in us to find satisfaction in anything.

Don't ever let a bad situation take your memories from you. But at the same time, don't get caught up in them. They are there for a reason, to help you to move on when you need to, and to hold on when you don't think you can hold on any longer. Love doesn't remember so as to inhibit the production of your life, love remembers to show you that there are things stronger than loss and death. Love remembers to show you that you can always keep going. But love, my friends, does not remember so that you can get caught up in what happened. That is not what memories are for. So in turn, I guess the point of this is to never let your memories fall from your grasp, they change you for better and for worse, but they are there because you are loved, and this is what makes them so great ... but also never let your memories hold you back from what you really want, there is a balance, and that is why love remembers. We hold onto these things so that we have something to look back on when we need to, but not so that we can dwell in them and miss out on what is happening right now. Memories are for crying when you haven't shed a tear in too long, they are for laughing when the tears won't stop coming, they are for smiling when you'd thought that you'd forgotten how. This is what love remembers for.

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose."
~The Wonder Years

If it is love that remembers, then why is it so hard in the absence of love and in the presence of hate, to forget?

Reasons, Seasons, and Lifetimes

Today was a snowday. I love snowdays ... except for the whole "stuck inside with your family all day" part. I hate that part.

My brother is the single most annoying person in the whole world. I honestly can't deal with him and neither can the rest of my family on certain days. It hurts, to not be able to deal with a part of your family, it's baggage. It's a day to day struggle. Some days are worse than others, but it's never as bad as it could be ... and that's the part that people forget to remember. But whatever, I guess everyone has their own baggage. What bothers me though, is when people think they understand. No one truly understands anyone else's life. You can't stand on the outside of another person's life and tell them that they have it good, or that everything isn't that bad, or that it's all going to be alright ... because truly, no one else has any idea at all. I mean, I know that I have a good life, my parents kill themselves every day to give me everything that I have, and I can never truly thank them enough. But just like with any other situation, there is baggage that no one else sees. But what would life be without baggage? Life isn't meant to make you happy all the time. You can't know true light until you've experienced true dark.

In this world, there are millions upon millions of people. So why, then, in our lives, do we only come upon a fraction of them? I believe this is because each and every person is sent into your life with a purpose. Although each purpose is different, there are really only three main groups of them. Some people are sent into your life for a reason, some for a season, and a select few for a lifetime. This purpose is what differentiates between the types of relationships in our lives. The problem with this is, you don't always recognize which type of relationship this is right away, and this causes problems. This, this not always seeing, is where people run into trouble.

When someone comes into your life for a reason, it is because you need something. Maybe you're not feeling well, maybe you've lost a loved one, or maybe there is a need that must be met. These people are miracles. They come into your life just as you hit rock bottom, and they are there to assist you through the hard times that you are facing. The only problem with these types of relationships are that these people, these miracles, suddenly leave your life. Sometimes there's a fight, sometimes they move, and sometimes they die. Regardless of how it ends, it always does end. And now, it's time to move on. It's your time to be someone's miracle.

There are certain people that come into your life for a season. These people are Godsends. They come at a time when there is a lesson that needs to be learned, or an experience that needs to be had. These people bring you peace, they make you laugh, they make you cry, and in all of these things, they teach you something. They stay in your life just long enough to show you these very important things, and then, just as they appeared, they are gone.

But it's the ones who come into your lifetime that truly change you. These people are angels, actual angels in human form. There is no other way to describe them. From these angels, you learn skills and lessons that allow you to build a life. Without the things that you experience with these people, you would not be who you are. And although these people are sent into your life to teach you about life and about love and about relationships, they come with a job for you to do. Your job is to accept whatever lesson this person comes with and to commit yourself to that lesson. Your job is also to take that person, and love them with everything you have. It doesn't matter who they are, or what they look like, or where they come from. What matters is that they're there for you every step of the way. Your job is to be there for them, to laugh with them, to cry with them, to hurt with them, to heal with them, and most of all, to take every single ounce of what you have and be willing to give it to them.

The most important thing in life, though, is to take the people that are in your life and be thankful for them each and every day. It doesn't matter whether they're in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime ... the piece of themselves that they give to you will stay with you forever. What matters is that they're in your life at all. You'll find out in the long run who is there for what, but for now, all that matters is that you cherish each and every day with them.

So friends. They're incredible; each and every one of them. The thing is though, the hardest part of friendship is knowing who is truly a friend, and who is just an acquaintance; because there really is a difference. Friendship is so much more than spending time together or having some of the same interests. Friendship is a bond that has its roots in each person's soul. The coolest part about this is that you know when it's there. There's no mistaking that feeling. That effortless way that you can tell them anything, since it doesn't matter what you say because they're there for you through the good and the bad. It's the way their eyes light up when they smile at you, and the way yours do when you smile back. It's that sense of longing when you're not with them. It's the way those stupid fights that end some relationships are just speed bumps, and the way that they are resolved as soon as you commit yourself to the truth. Those are the things you feel when someone really means something to you, that's true love.

Love comes in many forms, but there are few times in life when it is true. You know when it's true though, you feel it deep inside you. Love is true in the eyes of your friends. They are always there for you, they accept you for who you are, and they give you a piece of them. Love is also true in the eyes of the person that you're meant to be with. You may experience this person more than once in your life, but there is only one that will stand the test of time and stay with you forever. The way that they take everything that they have, everything that they know how to give, and they give it to you. This is true love. The neverending commitment to teach, to learn, to love, to accept, to stay ... that's where true love comes from.

That probably didn't make sense at all. It made sense to me as I wrote it though, and that's what counts. It's helpful to write things like this. It really sets some of the deeper questions in life straight. I've been thinking alot lately, and I like it. It's what I enjoy doing ... figuring things out that other people struggle to understand. I feel like I get it sometimes, and it feels good. Sometimes, when you're down and you don't understand why things are happening the way that they are, you have to find something else to understand. The problem is that we always want what we don't have, what we can't have. Not understanding something just makes it more enticing, and until we conquer that fear, we are never going to be satisfied with what we have. Striving and wanting, at least for me, does not come from material possessions. What I want, I mean really want, is to understand things. Things that no one else understands. This understanding is what allows us to separate the truth from what we are taught to accept. This understanding is what wills us to give everything that we know how to another person. This understanding is what allows us to live each and every day.

"It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a strain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship."
~Henry Ward Beecher

Think back, think about your life. When was the last time you truly made a difference in someone else's life?

Gummy Bears

I really like gummy bears, they're delicious. As are mashed potatos. But that's not actually relevant at all.

Nothing really eventful happened today. I was supposed to have ski practice, but I had an orthodontist appointment instead. Which meant that I had to go to math team because Ro just about flips a shit every time I tell her I can't go. I mean, I love the extra point on my average and all, but there's a certain level of self confidence that even I would like to maintain, and being a part of the math team does not exactly help that.

I watched Oprah this afternoon. It's usually pretty boring, and today was no exception. It was Oprah, Dr. Oz, and a bunch of really fat kids. Don't get me wrong, I feel bad that they're fat, but that's not exactly what I want to see when I whip out the afternoon snack and plop myself down in front of the tv. It kind of ruins the mood if you know what I mean.

So I've got this friend. And she is always involved in drama. She rarely starts said drama, but she always seems to be involved in it in someway ... and the kicker is that not only is she involved, but she is always dragging other people into it. It's not that she wants to involve her friends, it's more that she's looking for a quick solution, and using other people to investigate sometimes comes up as the easiest one. I mean, I love her to death, but I'm kinda sick of it. There's only a certain amount of drama that I can handle, and since I work really hard to avoide the massive amounts of drama that go around our school, I find it really frustrating when this drama seems to find me via other people. I feel bad that she always seems to have this shit going around, because it's super annoying, and no one likes it. But at the same time, I'd rather she resolved these issues on her own. I'm certainly willing to help, there's nothing I enjoy seeing less than one of my friends in pain. But these bitchy teenage girls that she surrounds herself are not exactly the kind of people that I want to surround myself with.

Speaking of the people you surround yourself with, my group of friends kick ass. I don't know what I'd do without them. I love them all to death, they all mean so much.

So what happens when you want more that what you already have? Do you go for it, leave all the fears behind and jump in head first, or do you sit back and relax? When people ask this question, typically, if it was me, I'd go with the first option. There's no time for fear, fear simply holds us back from what we really want. The only problem is, there's that fear of ruining your friendship. It's the absence of the little things that scare us so much. It's the weekly movie, and the effortless smiles, and the sparkle in the eye. The way you can touch your friend and it's not akward, but as soon as there's some secret in there, it becomes a struggle. It's those things. We all know that we wouldn't lose our friend, it's not that we're scared of losing them all together. It's that we become so terrified of losing the little effortless things that make these friendships so special. We feel, we sometimes know, that having these people in our lives as friends is worth more than having them pass through as something more for a short while.

"It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear ... There's nothing to hold on to."
~Marilyn Ferguson

How do you know when it's worth the risk? The outcome is never certain. You can't outweigh the risk, becuase you're never aware of the result. If the worst possible outcome is not better than your starting point, how do you risk it without being certain?

So I've Never Done This Before

I've never had a blog before, but some of my friends have them, and I've realized that they're actually kinda cool. So I'm gonna try it. Forgive me if this is boring, but it's not really for you. It's more for me.

So nothing really interesting happened today. There was school, which always sucks. But after school we had a meeting for the trip to London that I'm going on, so that was pretty cool. Second semester started today, which might have been exciting for some people ... but honestly, it wasn't. I have chem sem instead of health, and my study hall changed from one person to another. Nothing very interesting. School sucks. It's not that I struggle at it, I really don't. I actually find it quite easy, it's just that I don't really see a point in alot of the stuff that we're forced to do. Granted, I like some of my classes, and I love my friends, but I don't see a whole lot of value in dealing with Hammontree every other day, or sitting through an hour and a half of Mr. National-Rifle-Association every white day. I'm never going to be a history teacher, in fact, I want to major in aeronautical engineering and minor in architecture - or maybe the other way around - but either way, I still don't give a shit about history.

Umm. So I decided that every time I post on this, I want to ask a question ... or leave a quote ... or maybe both. But none of that pointless oh-I-found-a-rhyming-quote-on-some-dumb-quote-website-shit. Something that means something, something that leaves a mark on my heart. And the questions, important things. No bull.

"Great things are not accomplished by those who yield to trends and fads and popular opinion."
~Jack Kerouac

How do you put one of the most important friendships in your life on the line because there is a chance that something bigger and better might come out of it? When there is the potential for two of the greatest things is the world, how do you chose between one or the other?